Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Aviva's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
11:21 pm	Musing it's strange to think how many other bodies I've trusted against mine as I slept. And how many of those people are strangers to me now. It's much odder than knowing some of the people I've had sex with are strangers to me now (maybe because some of them were strangers to me then...) There are people out there moving through the world, living lives I know nothing about anymore, who once held me against them, warm and defenseless. Over and over again. Relationships are weird, you guys. The things we trust people with, the things we give them. The things they take with them when they go. The memory of how my hair smelled, the weight of my head on a chest or a shoulder, where we fit and didn't fit when we folded together. I wonder where all of that is now. Or maybe it's sleep that's weird. Leaving our bodies like that, in the care of whoever is there. Being wired to let anyone be there. (3 walked by my window | peek in)
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
1:36 pm	I should think about how I want to be perceived in certain blurry-line-between-real-life-and-online fora, and particularly whether I want opinion to be divided between "that spot-on girl who tells it likes it is" and "that snarky, mean girl who jumps on nice people for no reason." Because I stand by everything I've chosen to say, but that may be the result of it, and that may not be what I want. (4 walked by my window | peek in)
Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
11:24 pm	Does anyone want to check out Atlantic Antic with me on Sunday, earlyish? I'm thinking 11 or 12, I'll have to leave for work around 2. Also, does anyone with a paid account like me enough to make an LJ feed for the NCTE blog? I keep forgetting to check it, and given how I feel about one of their bloggers...I'd rather not miss anything ;-) (2 walked by my window | peek in)
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
12:55 am	Does anyone know if Questioning Transphobia, the NCTE blog, or The Angry Black Woman have LJ feeds? I've found LJ syndications of everything else I read, and I've discovered that if it's not on my LJ friends page, I don't remember to check it. I at least subscribed to ABW by email, but with the other two I couldn't even figure out how to do that. (2 walked by my window | peek in)
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
4:34 pm	Awww!! (cross-posted from my blog) I’ve written a lot here about my experiences trying to come out to my father’s side of the family, particularly my paternal grandmother. Short version: she doesn’t hear me, and even if she did, she wouldn’t want to talk about it. That context makes a conversation I had with my maternal grandmother the other night even more lovely and refreshing. I already know she got it that I’m queer — she’d asked me what my “friend” did for a living, but I figured that was good enough. Then two nights ago we were talking about the small family get-together she’s planning. One of my favorite cousins is going to be in town briefly and has a couple of hours free Sunday morning, so we’re all going to my grandmother’s house so we can see her. Yay. And while we were working out the details, out of the blue, my grandmother says to me “You know, Aviva, I don’t know if your girlfriend is in town this weekend, but of course she’s invited.” … !!! … Aw. I can’t tell you how much I lit up. The moment I got off the phone I called Girlfriend, Esquire; I couldn’t wait to tell her. That step from knowing to accepting and welcoming feels warm and fuzzy and wonderful. I wish Girlfriend, Esq. was going to be in town this weekend (thought of course if she was I’d already have called and announced my intention to bring her). I’m almost upset that we’ll be away queer camping when the family gets together for Rush Hashanah, which is finally on a weekend. But I’ll bring her to something and introduce her around eventually. And it’s lovely that she’ll be actively invited, instead of me informing them she’s coming. And it gets cuter. My grandmother continued on to tell me that she’s joined a mailing list for discount theater tickets, and ask me if there was anything I wanted to see. She made a point of telling me about The Temperamentals, a new play about the two men who founded the Mattachine Society.”It sounded interesting,” she told me, “I thought of you.” It does sound interesting, but I’m sure it was the gay premise that made her think of me. And, um, aw. I’m not the Mattachine Society’s biggest fan, but right now I am my grandmother’s. (peek in)
Monday, July 27th, 2009
1:46 pm	I'm taking advantage of my unwanted time off this week to bring maintenance a list of everything that's wrong in my apartment, while I'll be home to let them in. And two guys just came to fix both the front door lock (the door frame side of which keeps getting bent out of shape and not working -- I used a hammer on it the other day so I could close the door. The last guy who came to fix it bent it back into place without affixing it correctly to the door frame, which lasted about two weeks before I was right back where I started) and the toilet (which has been running since I've moved in. The last guy who came to fix it told me that this model of toilet just runs, there was nothing to be done...and I was so exhausted by staying on their case about the leaky ceiling that I never followed up). While one of them was still in the bathroom flushing the toilet, the other came back in here to tell me it was fixed. "Really?" I said. "Yeah, go see for yourself!" So I started to walk back into the bathroom -- through the wide open door, mind you -- and saw....a stream of  urine arcing into my toilet. Fortunately, due to the way things are laid out, that's all I saw before I turned around and headed right back out of there. But really, now. Maybe you should wait until your colleague is done using the toilet before you send me in there to check it? On the other hand, both the front door lock and the toilet are now actually fixed, and seem likely to actually stay that way. If I'm lucky there will be no more peeing, but I hope whoever they send to look at the leaky ceiling is as good. (peek in)
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009
4:54 pm	My ceiling is leaking again. Yeah, I'll pause a second to let that sink in. After it leaked regularly from November to April, it is now leaking again. Someone please shoot me now. I suspected the problem had returned when I noticed two nights ago that a bit of the new plaster/paint had fallen down, and remembered the dripping sound that, in my sleep, I'd assumed was rain on the air conditioner. But this morning the dripping woke me and I went and checked, so I'm sure. On the bright side, at least in the summer I can turn the air conditioner on to drown out the sound and still get pretty decent, mostly-not-fretting sleep. And I'm free during the day two or three days next week, because my boss is out of town (anyone wanna hang out? At my place, probably?) So I can be there to pester the maintenance office until they deal with it, let people into the apartment, etc. I may even make a list of my other maintenance needs and try to get them all taken care of at once. And maybe, maybe, maybe it's something that can be fixed quickly and I can get on with my life. Cross your fingers for me that I'm not re-entering the same endless cycle of trips to the maintenance office, being told it's fixed, and nights up listening to the dripping that sabatoged my efforts to pull myself hand over hand out of depression. Please, please let me get this effectively resolved before I fall back into that crushing despair. (4 walked by my window | peek in)
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
2:20 pm	Anyone who's heard me panicking about text message usage: the charges were not on my line. I was right that I have a package more than big enough to cover my usage. Message at will. (peek in)
Monday, June 22nd, 2009
6:56 pm	Oh, my goodness. Do you have any idea how often I ride the red line in Takoma Park? It's a relief to know that harperjean  and lilyofthewest are nowhere near there right now, but are the rest of you who are down there ok? (2 walked by my window | peek in)
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
1:08 pm	Check out this cazy foot fetishy ad I saw. I keep walking by this ad on the way to work, and I finally had to take a picture and share it. I'm not sure what this has to do with sunglasses, but whoa. (Sorry for the reflections, I had to take the picture through the window.) (1 walked by my window | peek in)
9:08 am	Submit's getting rid of a GYN table. Do I know anyone who would want such a thing? (And could pick it up in Brooklyn before next weekend?) (peek in)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
11:54 pm	In which I use lots of LJ names It was an absolutely amazing weekend at the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference. Thanks to tgstonebutch for talking me into going. Thanks also to rachellll, for the lovely visit and for hosting me, Girlfriend, Esq. and minameow (whom she never even met!) Some of the programming was really fantastic; I particularly enjoyed finally seeing Raven Kaldera present, the discussion of femme identity, and seeing Julia Serano speak and getting to introduce myself to her after we corresponded a couple of years ago. It's delightful to have so many awesome friends, and I'm tickled pink about the ever-increasing number of people I greet with kisses. Despite being worn out from her first few days at the new job (yay!!!!), Girlfriend, Esq. was able to make it after all. That was as delightful as it always is, and will tide me over until our anniversary (!!!). I do love her, so much. Friends threw one of the best parties I've been to in recent memory. I still love Burmese food. I met LJ friends in person -- I wish I'd had more time to talk to pearlsandblood and splinterjete (in her case, I wish I'd recognized her before the last hour of the conference!), and I'm intensely glad for the time I got with hazelsteapot. I got chocolate milkshake ingredients on my way home...I try to spoil myself extra after intense play and the constant difficulty of parting with Girlfriend, Esq, and this time I also had to say goodbye to a new crush. Mmm, conferences. And now I'm going to sleep. Oh, sleep, how I've been forsaking you. I'll make it up to you, sleep, I promise. Starting right now. I hope you're ready for me. (1 walked by my window | peek in)
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
10:02 pm	Street harassment FTW I meant to post about it on Sunday and forgot, but the group of young men (give or take a dozen) who hang out at the entrance to my courtyard evenings and weekends often make me nervous. As all groups of young men do, particularly when I'm alone and have to walk right through them to get where I'm going. And even more particularly when I have to do this several times in quick succession. At this point I've decided to avoid doing laundry on Sunday whenever possible, since they go quickly from friendly hellos and smiles the first time I walk past to "Can I get with you can I get with you can I get with you?" by the third or fourth time. With an amusingly persistent offer to help me carry my laundry home, in between..."Do you need help with that?" No, I've got it, thanks. Someone else: "Can I get that for you?" No, I appreciate you asking, but I've got it under control, I promise. And then, called after me as I'm walking away, "I'll carry it right up to your door! All my special service for you!" Right, which is what I was trying to avoid to begin with.     Sunday what got to me was that the exchange of hellos was followed by someone calling after me, "You know what I like about you? You're always on the go, doing your laundry or something." Mmm, appealing. I'm so turned on by a guy who likes me for the fact that I do chores. Maybe if I'm very very good, he'll let me do his laundry, too! After that I walked through silently and avoided eye contact, even though doing that always makes me feel terribly rude and conspicuous. I considered going around the long way so I wouldn't have to walk through them, but a) laundry is heavy, dude, and b) I knew they would see me and it would only cause more trouble the next time, when they could say "Why did you walk all the way around to avoid us?" But situations like that really unnerve me, and then I don't know how to act or handle them, and it seems better to just avoid them altogether. By, say, doing laundry on a weekday, and minimizing the number of days that I walk past six or seven times in the course of a few hours.     All of that is basically what I intended to post on Sunday. Tonight, I was walking past a guy alone (he was walking, just slower than me) and he said hello. I nodded, and of course he sped up to keep pace with me. "Hello." "Hi." "What's your name?" he asked me. I pretended not to hear, but was kinda stuck when he repeated it. "What," I said jokingly, frustrated with myself even as I gave in to my constant urge to go along and be friendly and not make trouble, "You're going to ask me my name without even telling me yours first?" And then, of course, the exchange of names, and the inevitable "Are you single?" I said no, after that tell-tale split-second pause I can't seem to help as I consider that I'm not single but I am extremely available, but I don't want the person talking to me to know that -- the true answer seems both dishonest and necessary. Then the curveball -- "Well, I'm not single, either. But I'm interested." This is where being poly makes life confusing -- because of my contexts I'm inclined to read this as him being in an open relationship, but I know that given the larger contexts he's more likely to be signaling that he's open to cheating. Either way, "Thank you, but no." "Oh, I knew you were going to say that. You walk by me every day and say hello, but..." "Well, you know, there's a big difference between being friendly and saying hello and being available." Why am I treating this like a real conversation instead of a situation I'd like to be out of rightnowplz? "Well, that's all right, we can be friends. You don't have to walk past and pretend like you don't see me like you do." "it's just that there are so many of you," I answer, surprising myself by being this honest. "It makes me nervous." "Aw, we don't mean any harm. It's more like we're protecting you, being out there in the courtyard keeping anyone from trying anything." "Uh huh," I say, trying to keep the skepticism out of my voice. "But I'll tell the others to be cool, that you're not available" [or something to that effect.] "Thanks, I appreciate that." "Goodnight, now. Hey, you remember my name?" I repeat it, and he says "You know what your name is?" but I mishear it as asking my name again and repeat it. "No," he says, "Your name is sexy." Way to objectify, dude, And now we're right back where we started. I have enough privilege of my own to know that it's much harder to see when you're not the one hurt by it. Still, I can't get over this intertwining of protectiveness and harrassment, this total failure to recognize that the person offering to look out for me is the same one making me feel unsafe, the complete ignorance of the ways certain behaviors make women feel threatened. It seems so clear to me, I'm flummoxed every time. And it leads to such an odd mix of real conversation and inappropriate comments when the person making said comments just has no idea how inappropriate they're being (and, of course, when the person those comments are being made to is unwilling to point it out.) (6 walked by my window | peek in)
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
11:05 pm	Occasionally, I remember how unusual my life is. Last night I dropped by one of New York's better sex toy shops and ran into a friendly acquaintance. I hadn't known they worked there, but was psyched to not only get a hug but also be able to ask someone whose opinion I trust a couple of sex-toy-related questions I'd been mulling over. All in all it was delightful. It was only after I left that I realized most people's reaction would probably have been much less delighted and much more "Aaaaack I can't buy sex-related things in front of someone I know!!!!! I must pretend I was only curious, and come back later for what I need!" (peek in)
11:02 pm	!!!! Hand-crank vibrator?! !!! (1 walked by my window | peek in)
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
1:27 am	Do I know anyone besides rachellll in Philly? It's late, and facts are falling out of my brain. I'm thinking of staying three nights for the Philly Trans Health Conference, and might like to spread the imposing around a bit. (liegt_am_meer, you don't count. You'll be in Seattle, and it's sorry I'll be to miss you.) Also, who's going to PTHC? I want to know who to look for, and get to finally meet some of you lovely folks in person. (2 walked by my window | peek in)
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
12:51 am	As always, it was a wonderful weekend in DC. As always, I can't believe it's over already.No matter how long we have, it's never enough, I find myself sitting on the bus startled that it all slipped away from me again, that I have to go home. It was good, though. There was a picnic with a bunch of their friends and a truly absurd number of delicious home-baked goods, a brief appearance made at a birthday party, two different naps, some storytime, the Wolverine movie, a party we'd probably have been better off not going to but managed to have some real fun at, and lots of time to snuggle and hang out with Lee and hang out just the two of us. Sitting on the bus talking to HJ while watching her through the glass, wishing the movie hadn't run so late and we'd had more time to kiss and realize our visit was over before I had to go, I also wished I could get right back off the bus and do it all over again. Or at least spend the night and go home in the morning. But there will be a next time. And it won't even be too long from now. (1 walked by my window | peek in)
Thursday, May 21st, 2009
2:36 am	I just love getting home at 2am and still having a to-do list... But the evening was delightful in half a dozen ways, and totally worth it. It's so awesome to walk into a room and want to run over and hug half the people there; and then have all o those awesome people have a fascinating conversation. And, um, I like kissing. And having new people to kiss. I may be exhausted more of the time than is really a good thing, but...I like my life. (peek in)
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
12:36 am	I haz the smartest Girlfriend, Esquire! Everyone congratulate HJ on her sexy, important new job! I'm so excited for and proud of my brilliant sweetheart. (1 walked by my window | peek in)
Saturday, May 16th, 2009
6:58 pm	Um, oops. I was saying that I haven't been as surrounded by men as my sister is at college since I was in middle school. "Well, cisgender men, anyway," she said, which made me all happy. (I actually meant what I said...I haven't been around that many men -- well, they were boys then -- that regularly since middle school...but still, good on her.) Then she was telling me that she used the word with and taught it to her new person with whom it is complicated. And I, of course, was delighted. It's great when people are that precise with language and are conscious not to other trans people by only using such adjectives when the person they're talking about is trans, and it's awesome that folks are using and learning and spreading the word so people will have a way to say it other than "non-trans," or, god forbid, "real" or "biological" or "genetic." "Yay," I said. "Yay!". Then I said, "Yay! Spread the cisgender gospel!" Um. Wait. Um. Oops. That's not what I meant. I swear, it's not what it sounds like. Really! (peek in)